The effects of loving a disappearing father

Them: you’ll never amount to anything.

You: I’m going to school to get my degree.

Them: why are you wearing that? You look like you should be on somebody’s corner.

You: I thought this looked nice; it goes with my skin tone.

Them: Nobody is going to want to date you; definitely not marry you.

You: That’s not true.

Them: I’m so sick of you always gone; always on your computer; and you stay going to your mother’s house. You never have time for me.

These are comments or variations of comments that many people hear daily. At first glance, we can assume that this scenario is between people in a love relationship. They are subtle statements that if consistently made over time can and will eat away at someone’s self-esteem, confidence, heart, faith in love and spirit.  

We don’t like to see our friends and loved ones going through this type of hurt; therefore we become advocates, we ask and plead for them to stand up for themselves, get out of that situation. We become the cheerleaders and encouragers letting them know that they are beautiful, handsome, they are smart, kind, and we even stick around inviting them out or simply to be there to listen and be the shoulder to cry on. These reminders are specks of light shining on the darkness of our friend, loved one. We pray they hear what we are saying and not the person they are in a relationship with. The proof that good overcomes evil; that your words of love and appreciation have fallen on good ground is when that person regains confidence and start showing signs of happiness and peace as well as leaving the abusive relationship altogether.

But what do you do when the verbal attacks and emotional rollercoaster comes from a parent? What do you do when someone who helped bring you into the world, fails to see you for the blessing that you are, whose actions don’t always match their words? How do you handle them loving you to their capability when you are worth and require so much more? Is there a way to remain true to yourself, to keep your peace, to rebuild your foundation to fit your reality, while honoring your parent? These have been questions I’ve asked myself numerous times.

 My answer: You tell them how you feel. You hold on to your truth while loving yourself. You see them as a person, while continuing to love them. You resolve in your heart to accept the situation for what it is and govern yourself accordingly. It is essential to your growth that you reconcile what your circumstance, your reality is and what it means and how it looks. And lastly, you surround yourself with people who see, know, recognize, understand and love you.

It took me some time to get to this point. I have debated and wondered if I should even write my thoughts out. I mean it hurts. It hurts to the point where I have many incomplete poems and songs from trying to get my feelings out, but if something doesn’t leave you, it would behoove you to try again. So here I am, filled with mixed emotions because I love my dad, but don’t like the way things are. I love my dad, but I love myself more. The loving myself more part is a process, but I’m getting better at it. If I was being honest, I am still leery, slightly afraid, yet when you know better, you do better and I’ve learned that keeping things inside isn’t healthy nor does it help.

STAINS ON MY WINDOWPANE

Now my dad has been in and out for the majority of my life basically because he moved to another state. I grew up watching my friends have father, daughter interactions and no they weren’t perfect, yet their presence was there. If they needed them, their fathers were there. I’ve never had that relationship with my dad. Our conversations have literally been surface and even today it’s the same. I get a “hey how you doing” to a list of questions asking about everyone else. Yes he would say some things that resembled a hint of positivity and proudness such as graduating from high school or when I got my 1^st car. Overall, the feelings I have received from him have been I didn’t quite matter more than other people or things. I can remember when he would send money to my brothers and I, they would get more money than me. I asked for some British Knights (telling me age) lol when they first came out. Let’s just say, I got them way after they were old and out of style. Now some may say so what; but this can serve as the foundation of me being introduced to and consistently absorbing the feeling of being pushed aside, of not being important and accepting it. Things like this nurtured my familiarity of listening to words, birthing high hopes which were not all the time but often followed with more than a sensation of being let down. His promises preceded my accepting this behavior from others such as friends, other family members and eventually people I dated. Missed birthdays, few phone calls and surface conversations, let down, being blamed for things, and fussed at for things instead of being talked to and wondering why infiltrated into most areas of my life. Yes, I had people in my life saying good, positive things. Encouraging me to be myself and telling me what makes me beautiful and for the most part I believed it. But there continued to be something missing. I can’t recall my dad calling me beautiful. He may have shown some pride in who I was by saying “that’s my daughter” in the context of specifying who I was. I hear it also when I pull up to a relative house (there’s my daughter.. what is my daughter doing?) My relationship with my dad is one of the reasons I don’t like labels and titles. The labels exist, but if the actions and effort behind it doesn’t carry the same weight then what’s the point? I can’t in good conscious ask you to depend on me and yet prove that you can’t depend on me. Honestly, this disconnect has given me pause for so long even though I couldn’t bring myself to give up on the hope of it all. And I’ll admit there were times when I recognized that I could have done more despite feeling like the adult in this situation. So in classic Sacorsha form, I pushed my feelings to the side, became the bigger person and called more even if it was just to say hello. I called him a week, a day and the day of my birthday so he could tell me happy birthday. At some point the weight of it all became too much. I mean I had classmates and family members calling me ugly. I’ve had my thoughts and opinions being overlooked. I endured being belittled, bullied and embarrassed and more… I had my mom saying I could do whatever I put my mind to. I was beautiful and should act like it, walk like it and own it.. One lone voice pushing me forward versus thousands tearing me down and all I can subconsciously consider was if my father, the one who was supposed to be there for me, treat me like a princess, prepare me for the world and these knuckleheads was the 1^st to say what I heard often. So if he felt and treated me that way, it had to be true right?

THE SUN SHINES THROUGH

Today I can say an affirmative NO! I am imperfectly perfect. Born with many defects with only one being visible, well I should say it’s hidden in plain sight. LOL. I guess you can say I expected him to be what he couldn’t be. This isn’t to drag him because like I said, I believes he loves me on a level that he has, his capacity. There are so many facets and experiences that played and continue to play a role in my downfall, my growth and evolution. I got drastically sick a few times and started writing my feelings; I would sing and tears would fall. At some point I started to believe my mom, the friends who poured into me. I know I’m a good person, I believe and say more these days that I’m beautiful. I had to stop talking down about myself and let my light shine for real. I deserve reciprocity. What I need and require is to be uplifted. I am a work in progress and will always be. What I desire and yearn for is peace, true happiness within myself, constructive criticism and a place where I can thrive and not hide. I’ve been dealing with the double dutch of emotions, wishing, hoping, and getting a glance of what could have been, having the rug pulled from under me, the begging and pleading to be seen, to be loved, to be accepted, for 37 years. There comes a time in your life where you recognize people for who they are, parents included, humans living their life, trying to get it right. Just like I would have loved the pats on the back, the verbal validation, they also should receive it too. I love my dad. I appreciate my dad. I will always respect my dad, I am thankful for a father who did what he could and continues to try. I’m thankful for the unspoken lessons he has provided me with that I will carry with me always. I am thankful for the willingness to forgive and be forgiven. I am thankful for the tears of the past, present and future. I am thankful that I am successful, I am loved, I am creative. I am thankful and can appreciate the times I have had my heartbroken by those who broke it my father included (males, female, family, friends, foe). It may not feel like it all the time, but I am better for it. I have no idea where the road will take me, but I am confident that the sun will continue to shine through the stains on my windowpane.

-Sacorsha

More than a love story - Beyond the lights Review

“Love gives and love mirrors. The ability to see beyond what someone is showing on the outside or saying with their words is rare; but when they do it is a beautiful thing, it feels great and brings a sense of freedom needed to remain true to who you are.”- Sacorsha

Beyond the Lights is indeed a beautiful love story, but it goes deeper. This movie is about becoming or returning to the core of who you are in spite of the fame and outside voices. Gina Prince-Bythewood directed a cast that gives the viewers an insight of how the machine we know as the music industry is ran and their expectations. It shows that they can and will put artists in a box by creating his or her image without really knowing the artists and the battle artists have to fight as a means to have their voice heard.

Beyond the lights shows the struggle of Noni portrayed by Gugu Mbatha-Raw and Kaz portrayed by Nate Parker holding their own and following their path versus meeting the expectations of others. This movie reminds us of the sometimes conscious and subconscious desire to please our parents and the inner conflict this brings. Prince-Blythewood infuses love throughout this movie and shows that love grows, love changes, love builds and love accepts. Beyond the Lights is more than a love story. It depicts the journey of two people who unknowingly need each other to gain strength to take the reins of their own life and to live their truth. It’s about empowerment in becoming free; and reminds the viewers that there is power in people seeing and believing in you.

This film stars Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Nate Parker, Minnie Driver and Danny Glover

Misconceptions in the quest

Exquisite is your taste.
Your arms fit comfortably around my waist.

This is not a competition or a race so there’s not a problem to wait.
The things you do or say got me feeling a different way.
 Many wanna skip the line, disregard the element of time, just to wine and dine.
Resting solely on the fact that they are fine.
Wanting to make love to your body neglecting your mind.
 Forgetting attraction has numerous facets,
 but they focus on the masses of asses.
Physical beauty doesn’t have staying power to last
 cuz love based only on physicality
 isn’t a reality
 and when the lust ends you’re left empty.
 So empty that you try to fill that space with anything from overworking, isolation, meaningless sex to alcoholic cleansing.
 Vodka won’t do it, neither will Rum and Coke, Patron, nor Hennessy.
You’ll still be empty after drowning in some Remy.
 You my dear are a thirst quencher.
Ball’s in your hand cause you’re the game clincher.
You stand at the top of the podium cause you’re the gold medal winner.

Sacorsha
©2011

Redemption from rejection

The eyes are a gateway to two destinations that many should not travel because they aren't equipped to handle them properly.... the heart and soul #HandlewithCare

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Whoever made that up must have never been bullied and they lied completely. The truth is they both leave scars. One just lasts longer than the other. Their words, their actions paralyzed me and in your eyes that’s what I see. How do I know? Cause the reflection is a daily constant in which I carry visually and emotionally. How can you deny your flesh and blood based off a physical deformity? Those words pierced my ears loudly and it took a long time for me to turn the volume down. You could have considered the option that God made me uniquely. Rejection from my peers I was able to go through because I got my first lessons from you. Why must I fight for your attention even with my brothers? Why was I never beautiful until others were around? Maybe that’s why it was easy to believe the others. Their voices echoed as loud as yours. What was done was a tragedy. Your exit, your distance, your favoritism, your inability to father me..Properly. Wreckless abandon, yet even still I believed your every “I’m coming to see you.” Later turned into my victory. That’s the hope seen in my eyes. Regardless of what is actually happening, I believe and guess what it helps and works. My faith and belief has helped me overcome and be strong to see the same pain of other young girls and boys and let them see. Looking into my eyes there is a hint of sadness, a glimmer of hope combined with the bright light that shines when I smile. There’s a story for every scar visible or hidden. I’m no longer holding on to the words used to defame or shame me, instead I’m trying to use it as fuel it’s the flame within me.

One of anything recognizes another is what I’ve been told. So hurt people see hurt people; happy people recognize happy people. I see and feel others and because I have experienced many emotions somewhere down the line my desire has been to keep others smiling and bring them happiness. Sometimes I fail; sometimes I succeed and am aware other times there is success and I never know.  The good thing that came from my father’s rejection is that I never lost hope of being accepted. I have a heart for people and a love for God that continues to guide me in the way to go, behave, and how to treat people. The not so balanced part is rejection still hurts especially when it comes from people I love and I battle with when to speak up and when to let it ride. You know the whole “pick your battles” saying. When I was younger I took everything that came to me. I grew and began speaking my mind, expressing myself and I lost friends, family members became distant temporarily, people moved away and others died. There is nothing like experiencing a loss and the feeling that comes along with it. Yes I know both positive and negative has to exist in order for things to flow/grow. Yes testimonies come from test; of course there is a silver lining beyond the clouds and all that jazz. If I may be honest, sometimes I have a hard time seeing the positive with losing people, friends, or even when the dynamics change. Since that pain was unbearable to me so I thought I stopped being expressive, because I hate losing people. It hurts when you give your all, invest time, money, material things, everything into a relationship (family, friends, platonic, & relational), and it goes away or fails for whatever reason. It hurts to reach milestones in life and you can’t share it with those you love because they are no longer around. But I have learned that sometimes things change and if a situation is not growing you or helping you then perhaps a closer look needs to be taken; therefore I have started back speaking up for myself or talking about what bothers me. Since then I have lost friends and/or the dynamics have changed all because I spoke my peace, I dared to love, I put up boundaries, or just plain ole grew up and matured. I don’t understand why things have to end most times and perhaps it stems from the past, but I’d much rather have an adult conversation and remain true to myself than hold in pain and the other people have no idea that there is a problem. We both have an opportunity to grow when conversations occur.

 I am hopeful. I am a hopeful everything really; romantic, sister, cousin, friend, employee, musician, writer, and more. No matter of the ups and downs, the frustration and hurt never trying is worse than trying. Lessons are learned through loss. Strength is obtained through loss and trials. A stronger sense of self is developed each time we open up. We are able to see what we couldn’t when we were in the thick of things. My dad is improving. He tries and sometimes he makes a misstep and I adapt. I have my moments, pray about it and try again. The friend I loss, well I’m dealing with that. The one where things changed, I miss it (the relationship), when we speak it’s strained and interesting to say the least. I guess it’s the approval, simplicity, and easiness that I miss. But God restores, He protects, He loves and He is helping me be and stay strong in this growth process of mine. You know what else? Even when I feel at my lowest, God still uses me to be a light to others. During this hard time, I was able with God’s help to publish my first poetry book Moments from EX-stasy. When I feel unfulfilled, rejected, like I’m not enough, HE sends the right people and messages at the right time to let me know, I am okay and on the right path. I have solid relationships that fill me, strengthen me, encourage me and try to keep a smile on my face. I am thankful to not be surrounded by takers, but those who are willing to give just as much as I give out and show their appreciation. This serves as a buffer and allows me to handle those moments of rejection better.  I may fall by the wayside and mess up, but I will continue to Live, Laugh, Love with all my heart.

Sacorsha

Home away from home

I have always lived in Memphis, therefore I don't unless I am traveling, have a home away from home experience. Many cities and states are the same, yet there are some differences in the "fabric" of them. For instance, when I visited New Orleans for the 1st time, I had a small culture shock! Their music was different, their dialect was different. We all spoke English, but the people from New Orleans had something different in how they spoke. The same can be said for those who are from a different country and now reside in the United States. Music plays a part in reminding us of home when we are miles and miles away. The United States is a "melting pot" of cultures, ethnicities, dialects, etc and certain music serves as a confirmation of this fact. Listening to music that originates from someone's native country or an artists gives them a sense of home. There's this comfort, wholesome, pleasing feeling that comes over them. It serves as a mini vacation or a sense of being home eveb though they are away.

I have cousins who are of African decent, Nigeria to be exact. While they are very versed in all things American, a way for them to stay connected and reminencent of their visits is to listen to and enjoy music done ny African musicians, both in their native tongue and others.

Another example of African Music is done by artist Fela. The link listed is of the song titled "U Thief" Fela, "U thief".Although I don't understand what is being said, you can feel the passion, love, and interest in what is being said. The audience in the video are participating and enjoying everything that is going on as Americans would at a concert.

One of my favorite songs to listen to and may be a favorite for Hispanic and Latin Americans is "Smooth" by Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas. The music screams Latin America, has a Hispanic feel to it. I immediately start dancing and trying to do the salsa. HAHA :) If I react the way I do and I'm not from a Latin American country, imagine how those who are react and feel. Carlos Santana is one of the best guitarist! He plays every note with so much enthusiasm, love, and colorfully. He has extreme, bold moves in his musical adlibs behind Rob's singing. All are characteristics of these countries. For anyone from Latin America, Spain, Hispanic decent this song reminds them of their culture and their home even as they are in whatever country they now live.

Yes it's true that many artists merge from doing music in their native tongue, mainly because there are many immigrants in the U.S, and they want to be globally and internationally known. There are artists like Marc Anthony, Enrique Iglesias, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, and more. These artists are from other countries such as Canada and Spain. They speak multiple languages and have done songs or albums in that language. I watched the Behind the Music episode on Enrique Iglesias.

Enrique wanted to sing and after a long inner struggle as well as with his father Julio, he launched his music career. After a few albums in Spanish only, Enrique did an album in English and Spanish. He is a success, worldwide!! There is nothing more exhilarating than having a sense of belonging with someone famous or successful that is just like us. Enrique has bridged a gap between Americans and the Spanish with the love of music. His music isn't only for his country, but for all people. :) I'm happy for musical freedom and acceptance.

Celine Dion is another artists that crossed over from singing in her native tongue and singing in English. Celine Dion became someone I listened to after she sang "heart will go on" for the Titanic movie and soundtrack.

Not only can Canadians who live in Canada listen to Celine, but those who no longer live in Canada can enjoy the sounds of fellow Canadian Celine Dion. She sings in French and English. Celine is another example of many artists that have songs and a history that gives people a home away from home experience.

I was in Auto Zone the other day when my cashier started thinking about growing up in Mississippi. The store radio was playing the blues. LOL. She started shaking her head and smiling and said, "you know everytime I hear the Blues I think of home." I asked her where she was from and she said Mississippi. I responded, "yes, it reminds me of the weekends." She happily agreed and we simultaneously mentioned that the Blues provided good cleaning music. The whole house would be done in a few hours. I found this funny and good at the same time. This goes to show that music connects us regardless of where we are from. We can have that home away from home feeling within cities, states and even countries.

Music is that quiet giant that has a huge impact. It is similar to throwing a pebble in the water, causing a ripple effect that we don't know where it ends. One thing is for sure we know it reaches far and wide. :)

Sacorsha

Strength and hope during sadness

I have a few friends who are dealing with deaths in their family. I know all to well all of the emotions, thoughts, feelings that come along with losing someone you love. There is sadness of knowing we won't have them present physically anymore, but at the same time we have belief that we will see them again in heaven. My heart goes out to them and I want to offer my condolences, and share some words through song to let them know that everything will be ok. Time heals all wounds. We can and will gain strength with by leaning on our faith in God, surrounding ourselves with supportive friends, and allow ourselves grieving time. Nothing good comes out of things that are forced.

At times like these we should praise and thank God for the time we had with the special people in our lives. We should exalt Him and worship Him for who He is and what He has brought us through. Trading my Sorrows expresses to God that we will trade our sorrows, pain, sickness, and shame for the joy of the Lord. We know that God is awesome and He can handle ALL things, we just have to GIVE them to HIM. Trading my Sorrows

When we are dealing with something that is bigger than us, we have to give it to someone that's BIGGER than us! That someone is Jesus. Understanding that we can't heal ourselves, we can't deliver ourselves brings us to the point that we recognize that we need help. We were made to relate to one another as well as the Lord. Singing and listening to songs of strength, worship and praise about the source of our being, joy, and strength activates the BALM that only God has. It takes our mind off of the problem and opens the door for the solution, which is a better day, the strength to move forward, not forgetting about our loved ones, but remembering who they are, who they loved, knowing all is well in our souls. Lord I lift your name on high.

God sacrificed His only Son so that we could have eternal life. This is the hope that we hold on to when events happen that appear wrong, something has hurt us, or we lose a loved one be it friend or family. We can continue to lift God's name on high!! God is great and worthy to be praise. All we have to do is reflect on where we were in life and where we are today. His wonders and works will be seen by everyone. How Great Is Our God.

I want everyone to know that God is good. There is nothing He can't do. He is the same, yesterday, today, and forever. He stands at the door waiting on us to invite Him into our lives, day, situation, mind, and heart. He truly is faithful. He will never let us down. Faithful So whether you are dealing with strife on your job, stress in your home, lack of understanding about things your family or friends are doing, and even where God is leading you, keep Him 1st. Add Him in if He isn't already. Start your day with some time with the Lord, check in with Him throughout the day, and end it with Him.

I love the Lord and I love you too!! In all that you do, take some time to have a Muse-ik Moment :)

Sacorsha

Movie Madness

I love to watch movies! It is a very calming pasttime. I have an opportunity to take a break from MY life sometimes and see what others may go through via the imagination of some creative writer, director and producer. Something else I like about movies is the other "character" many don't think about: THE MUSIC!! YES, YES, YES!! The soundtracks. I call the music another character in the movie, because it either adds to or takes away from the specific scene. Music is used a filler, backdrop, and we are pulled further into the moment that we are viewing. Other times we are reminded of a song that we haven't heard in a while or are introduced to a new song. This adds to music sales, because I will go and buy the soundtrack or the cd of an artist I heard while watching a film. Take the movie "White Chicks" for example.

I love the piano, well playing any instrument for that matter. In the scene where the Wayans brothers, who are disguised as princess in a high society, meet up with their friends, the song "Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton played on the radio. The introduction was a piano solo, which caught my attention immediately. I watched the credits to see who sang the song and the title. Please believe that shortly after seeing "White Chicks" for the 1st time, I had my hands on the Vanessa Carlton song.

White Chicks also has some music in the film during a club/dance scene that takes me back to my childhood. The songs used in the competiton were old school songs as well as some up to date songs including one by Beyonce. Watching this movie brings a sense of joy, laughter, and belief that I too can play the piano like Vanessa and that I can actually dance like the characters during the dance battle.

Another timeless song that was creatively used in a movie is "Unchained Melody." Whenever I watch Ghost I think of this song before the scene comes. Or when I hear this song, I can see the scene in Ghost with Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze.

Ghost just screams love story. All of the obstacles, and events that occurred that led up to the infamous pottery scene and "Unchained Melody" playing in the background solidified, their love, passion, with every lyric and every fiber of their being.

The lyrics: Oh, my love

my darling

I've hungered for your touch

a long lonely time

and time goes by so slowly

and time can do so much

are you still mine?

I need your love

I need your love

Godspeed your love to me

See now doesn't that add to the scene. If we didn't understand what Patrick and Demi were feeling by watching them, we definitely got a better understanding thanks to the lyrics and passionate singing by the Righteous Brothers of Unchained Melody.

Whenever you want to relax or are reminincing about a song pop in a movie and you will be satisfied. When you know you have heard a song, but can't remember where, you may find your answer in a movie from your collection.

Enjoy your movie and muse-ik moment! :)

Sacorsha