A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom and she was
sharing some moments about my 10 month old nephew. You know that’s one of the
fun times. He’s crawling, pulling up, and noticing items and grabbing for them
(ex: The Christmas tree). She said she started to deter him by saying, “no
Jordan.” (Side note: he gives her this look when she tells him no.) J This moment reminded her of when I was
little. Apparently I heard the word no often and got tired of it and proclaimed
“no, no, no ALLLL the time.” (Mental note: I can hear myself saying this.) LOL!!
Well this conversation played back in my mind like a
funny month old joke that came back to you and the laugh is just as hard as
when it was originally told. Most of my memories involve me being told no. Or
being told what I can’t do or shouldn’t try.
There were doctors saying my body was a noodle and muscles weren’t
anywhere near developed so I could look forward to a life of no activity or
little activity at best. I’ve experienced classmates laugh at me when I attempted
to sing, do a particular cheerleading move, dance, or whatever. I’ve even been
told no man would want to be with me nor marry someone with physical defects
like mine. (FYI I’m missing a knuckle on my ring finger left hand). Most
importantly, I’ve told myself numerous times no or I can’t. I mean after
hearing, no so many times, I supposed I just bought into that, embraced the
rejection and fear both subconsciously and intentionally until self sabotage and
doubt became natural.
Thinking about the growth process of a child, we
look forward to them being born, then crawling, walking, talking, etc. What we
don’t realize is in order for the toddler, child to learn they have to explore.
Falling down and getting up is a part of the process of growth and discovery. Although,
no is the initial reaction and response for understandable reasons (safety
being #1), hearing no can have adverse reactions. For me, every no regardless
from whom, didn’t serve as motivation; it dampened my spirit, my hope, my
faith. Well fast forward to realizing the problem, discovering the solution(s),
and doing the work (it’s ongoing). Affirmations may seem a tad bit weird at
first but let me tell you, THEY WORK!! Scriptures, THEY WORK!!! I mean I knew
that, but the meaning and understanding changes as you get older.
Just like my nephew will get into more on his road
to discovery, growing up and learning to walk because he isn’t going to stop
trying, I too will keep trying. I am learning to rediscover me. What do I like,
not like, what makes me happy and truly appreciate myself minus all the outside
noise. One of my teachers used to say “nothing
beats a failure but a try.” I have some victories under my belt and they helped
me realize that I CAN! I wrote and published a book. I’ve successfully
completed college and received degrees. I can do all things through Christ, who
strengthens me. I can write whatever I want and learn from it. I can be
uniquely me and love the skin I’m in. I can hear someone’s opinion and not let
it completely deter me. I can love myself enough to take some self care time as
well as share my gifts, presence and words of encouragement with others. I may not be exactly where I thought I’d be,
but knowing I am a big ball of can and put this can into action will
essentially help me to get there. And I plan on enjoying the journey and not
fixate on the destination.
Until next time,
Sacorsha J
