There’s never a battle, where there isn’t a promise.” –
Toure Roberts
As I was listening to a service of One Church LA
online (www.onechurchla.org), PT as
they call him made this statement. It has stood out to me every since. The more
I think about it, there is an insurmountable amount of truth to it, which brought
me to thinking about myself, others and the state of “the church.” Church hurt becomes a spiritual battle that distracts
us or prolongs us from fulfilling and walking in the promise of God. As long as
we’re quiet, the promise is too.
Church hurt has many definitions depending on who you
ask. For me, church hurt includes the hurtful, devastating comments, actions or
lack thereof that comes from people who we expected to do and/or say otherwise.
I mean church people, Christians are supposed to encourage you right? A lot of
times I think church hurt has a lot to do with expectations being shattered.
Ego vs Truth. Pride vs Humility. Feelings vs Fact. Spirit vs Tradition.
We grow up being told about God and church and Jesus,
etc in the most positive enlightening ways. We are quoted scripture such as
where the spirit of the Lord is there is liberty. Meaning if God’s spirit is
present there SHOULD be freedom. Freedom to praise, speak, sing, you know
freedom. Quick question though: IF the spirit is present, why are we doing
anything? Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about the ones who aren’t dancers,
or screamers, there may be some that are criers.. I get that. I’m talking about
the ones who we know do certain things, have gifts, talents and expertise, but
are not operating in them. Yes they are free to do nothing or do something.
Here’s something I’m willing to consider: what if a person’s inability to be
free is and has been stifled by church hurt? The good news is the hurt doesn’t have
to be in vain!! Growth can come from the hurt
STAINS FROM MY WINDOWPANE (church hurt)
Growing up I loved going to church. I loved learning. I
enjoyed the singing. I got a chance to see my friends and play. I felt at home
and accepted at church unlike school or other places. The experiences
cultivated a desire to know more about this God I’d been learning about, plus I
was a living testimony of what God could do. Some would say I was an old soul.
I soaked up all that was being taught, said, sang about, preached and truly
enjoyed this acceptance.
I remember one of my 1st introductions to
church hurt was at 7 years old. I would sing solos or songs and cry during.
Some thought the tears were evidence of being scared; others may have commented
that I didn’t know what I was singing about. I knew though. I knew the words
that came out of my mouth meant something. They touched me from the inside out.
I was as if God was using my own voice to speak to myself and others. Love was
in those words. I felt that way about music in general. They said what I didn’t
hear from those I wanted to hear it from. Music has always accepted me. But I digress,
back to church hurt. So because I understood enough about how good God was in
general and to me, at the age of 7 I decided I wanted to be baptized. I told my
pastor and my mom. The conversations were had and one Sunday I felt it again.
Today was the day. So I proceeded to begin to walk up to the front of the
church when the invitation was given only to be met with a firm “go sit down,
we don’t walk during this time.” Yes, good ole ushers doing their job, right.
Attempt #2 occurred the following Sunday, the choir’s singing was spirit
filled, I’m sure I shed some tears in between drawing in the bulletin, the
sermon was good, the begins singing again, everyone is standing and pastor
opens the doors of the church as usual inviting those who want to be baptized
or join the church to come forward. I put my book and bulletin down, crossed
over a few people, and walked down one side of the pews towards the back, start
to head to the middle aisle, then BAM the usher grabbed my arm, told me I knew
better than to be walking or trying to go out of the sanctuary while the
preacher was talking. I looked at her and started to say something but before
anything could come out, she politely turned me around and said go sit down. I
was so hurt and disappointed because I really wanted this, and she wouldn’t listen
to me. Like how you gonna keep me from my Jesus right? My 7 year old mind could
not fathom what or why this lady wouldn’t let me go get baptized..
Attempt #3, will the 3rd time be the charm? Same scenario, following week. I walked to the back and I had determined that this was going to be the day no matter what. The usher was doing her job on one hand and failing in the walk tremendously on the other. Anyway, I took the same walk, got disrupted by the same hands and voice except this time, it was on the front side of the church and not the back. Like she came off the door and met me at the corner of the front pew. SMH.. I told her I was coming to the front to be baptized, she told me I wasn’t old enough and didn’t understand and yes once again said “go sit down.” Well there is some stubbornness in me and I knew what I felt and wanted to be a part of God’s family, therefore I went to my pew, looked back at the usher, and kept walking all the way around to the other side of the church. Now the usher on the other side thought I needed to go to the restroom and beckoned for me to come on, but I did that quick left turn and found myself in front of the pastor. HALLELUJAH I made it. FINALLY. 3rd time is the charm.
Attempt #3, will the 3rd time be the charm? Same scenario, following week. I walked to the back and I had determined that this was going to be the day no matter what. The usher was doing her job on one hand and failing in the walk tremendously on the other. Anyway, I took the same walk, got disrupted by the same hands and voice except this time, it was on the front side of the church and not the back. Like she came off the door and met me at the corner of the front pew. SMH.. I told her I was coming to the front to be baptized, she told me I wasn’t old enough and didn’t understand and yes once again said “go sit down.” Well there is some stubbornness in me and I knew what I felt and wanted to be a part of God’s family, therefore I went to my pew, looked back at the usher, and kept walking all the way around to the other side of the church. Now the usher on the other side thought I needed to go to the restroom and beckoned for me to come on, but I did that quick left turn and found myself in front of the pastor. HALLELUJAH I made it. FINALLY. 3rd time is the charm.
I can laugh about it now, but the journey it took for
me to get baptized is the same journey we must take in every aspect in life.
Honestly, most of my hurt from the church has been people saying what I couldn’t
do, shouldn’t do, not understanding me or accepting me for who I am created to
be. I’ve been told I can’t sing and shouldn’t. I have seen the eye rolls, the
deep breaths and people walk out. People have had the audacity to say to my
face and behind my back that “it don’t take all of that.” That one has no age
limit; at both young and older age I’ve been told it doesn’t all that. My
exclaiming hallelujah, doesn’t take all that. Yes it’s usually loud, but aren’t
we instructed to make a joyful noise? I’m too young to preach. But wasn’t Jesus
about his father’s business at the tender age of like 12? I am NOT proclaiming
to be anywhere remotely to that level at that time, but I’m just saying. Oh and
don’t someone ask me to say anything especially pray. That’s like a kid ready
to eat, but the parents have to talk to everybody after church. Lol. Things I’ve
heard: 1) oh god. 2) here we go 3) don’t take all day 4) make it quick 5) can’t
we get someone else?
The God I grew to love and know was indeed with me
from my mother’s womb. Then battle for me began before I took my first breath.
My mom contracted Rubella (German Measles) while carrying me and as a result I was
affected. I came into the world silent, not even a cry when the doctor spanked
me on my bottom. I was born with crossed eyes, missing a knuckle, and had
extremely weak muscles among other things. The prognosis given to my mom was
that I would be mildly retarded and would not be able to walk without
assistance and I would be underdeveloped. So if I wanted to shout, scream, cry,
yell hallelujah at 7 years old and up so be it!!! Because all that was stated wasn’t
happening anymore. I was skinny, tall, glasses wearing little girl with a
deformity that didn’t get attention until later in life when someone noticed
it.
There comes a time when the smiles on the outside are
covering up the tears on the inside. More reasons for me to wonder why. What did
I do? The place I felt accepted was slowly beginning to look like the other
places. There comes a time when one has to reconcile and find balance in what
the Word says as opposed to others. I mean Christianity and being a believer is
an individual relationship that you share with others. As I continued to
experience church hurt, I also was growing at the same time. Learning that God’s
love and purpose overrides the other stuff. I had to exercise my faith, trust
the words that I was reading in the bible, let the words my mom and others
spoke into my life take root and walk in it. I was fine by myself. I believed
in me when it came to church. Until the need to be accepted and love entered
into the picture. My identity began to be dependent on others and their words. When
we become dependent on others and seek validation, we lose our voice, our
independence, our opinion of self, we relinquish our power. We lose our mind
and take on theirs. The lesson of hearing God’s voice and believing it based on
God’s record versus letting the negative Nancy’s and Nathan’s words manifest in
your life happen in the hurt. The hurt shows you how strong you are. The hurt
is a feeling that you will remember just enough to motivate you to do whatever
you have to (in a healthy way) in order to not feel it again. It (hurt) also
allows you to recognize it in others so you can guide them through it.
Church hurt wounded me to the point of low self-esteem
returning; doubt crept back in; my faith wavered and my ability to balance
diminished. I know longer sang aloud, or should I say lead a song. I was the
background shawty. I started saying I didn’t know song words, or forgot them. I
came up with every excuse. I would go where I was semi-accepted and that still didn’t
feel right. I learned quickly that being fake, fake stuff breaks you. I couldn’t
learn or grow in the midst of ‘yes men & women;” My not living in my
potential was making my spirit weak. My pretending was breaking me daily. When
I got baptized, I did so to be a part of God’s family, not church. I took on
the appearance and actions of the people I wanted to be accepted by not
realizing I had all the power to begin with and it was slowly leaving me. What really
gets me is I now listen to or watch the same people who talked bad about me
walk and work in the purpose that God has for them when I was already there and
now I’m struggling to reclaim and remember whose and who I am. The roles
apparently were reversed. Oh the irony. I wouldn’t wish any hope but especially
church hurt on anyone. But when if and when it happens, I am here to say there
is HOPE.
THE SUN SHINES THROUGH (growth spurt)
- Survival necessitates moving on.
In order to grow as a person and a believer we must
move on. That means forgive yourself and others. Recognize that we are all
people trying our best to be better, to do better. We have 2 major things we
are asked to do. 1. Love God with all your heart and 2. Love your neighbor as
yourself. If we spent half our time doing these very things, I am crazy to
believe that church hurt wouldn’t be such a factor. I know from experience that
loving yourself can be quite the obstacle. But no matter what offenses you’ve done.
Regardless of the abortions, wrecks, people killed via your words, tickets you
may have gotten, anything you feel are the worst of the worst it is imperative
that you find a way to love yourself again. God loves you and believes you are
worth it. Your life is worth sharing with the world. Your words are important
will speak life into someone who currently think their absence is better than
their presence. I don’t want to inflict hurt on myself, therefore my goal in
life isn’t to hurt others. We survive this thing called life when we move on.
Move forward seeking, walking to and living our purpose and destiny.
- Be Purpose/Destiny Driven
There comes a time where you recognize your
purpose/destiny is extremely more important than the past. Stop feeding the
past. Stop holding on to the past, yours and others. We are ever growing, ever
evolving. Let me tell you something, for every person who have said I can’t sing
and need to be quiet, 3 more are saying you really blessed me today. I love
your spirit. I feel God when you sing. I would be doing God and myself a
disservice if I continued to be quiet. I
may be long winded when I pray, sing, testify, write, etc. It’s because I have
things to say. I know I didn’t do it in my own strength. Yolanda Adams said it “while
riding through the storms, Jesus holds us in His arms.” We are covered, by the
one who loves us. When we are doing what God designed us to do, we’re good, and
we don’t have to worry because He got our backs.
- Prayer, praise and worship
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
–Philippians 4:13
We gain strength through conversation and fellowship.
I pray daily and sometimes multiple times a day for strength, guidance,
recognition and thanks. I’m learning to listen more to and for his voice. I
spend time with others to share in this love of God that I have and it helps to
see that I’m not alone. It’s encouraging to see that someone who has gone through
what I am currently experiencing is still in the fight and have peace about it.
There’s no testimony without a test. Yes it’s cliché but true.
My life experiences, lessons of my own and others,
truly learning and knowing who God is in every aspect of my life as an
individual and as a part of a community have helped heal me from church hurt
and understand it with a fresh set of eyes. I’m still evolving and growing. I
reached a low place that I have never been and standing on my truth, God’s love
and acceptance and a few people that have been placed in my life for such a
time as this have made me richer, more grateful. I am learning to love all of
me unconditionally and you know what? I like her. I love my flaws and all. This
growth spurt can be difficult, there are things you may not understand right
away, people may leave or look at you strange, but my earlier experiences with
church hurt have taught me how to handle it..
These days I own my raspy voice that cracks from time
to time. The cracks from dryness sometimes, and emotion piercing through
because I know who I am singing for and why. I am writing more from a truthful
place and each time I feel a little more weight being lifted. Church hurt will
have you thinking you are better out in the world, being a chameleon in order
to fit in. I am here to tell you, you are better out in the world being your
true authentic self, who God created you to be, letting your light shine 1st
on yourself as it radiates out to others. Yes by all means go to church, and
praise God because you want, need to and are appreciative for the new mercies
given you and loving you unconditionally. While you’re at it use the gifts that
he granted you wherever you go. You are uniquely you. Live life, love life
doing what you can, when you can, the best you can.
Sacorsha
