He loves me, he loves me not. I love me not, I love me

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along yeah
My heart is full, and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want yeah

I don't mind spendin' everyday
Out on your corner in the pourin' rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved, and she will be loved

Maroon 5- She will be loved

         I remember listening to this song on repeat wishing someone would see me, take the time to get to know me and then love me, like all the love songs I listened to. It took real life experiences, trial and error, mountain top and valley moments for me to understand fully that love for anything isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. It takes work, dedication, an awesome support system and even moments to take some steps back to evaluate and re-evaluate.

There is often a message in the music. One message I received was instead of wishing someone would accept you enough to love you, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST… Yeah love yourself. A concept that shouldn’t be hard at all, nevertheless for many, myself included it is a daunting task that requires practice. It’s easy to cater to others. It takes zero thought to compliment, encourage, give the benefit of the doubt, and speak to the spirit of another. You know treat others how you’d like to be treated, right? The issue was not receiving the same courtesy and then being mad about it. Having the “Harpo, what about me?” attitude because reciprocity was a lost element in the transactions.

I never thought I would be able to see, accept and love me separate from anyone’s opinions and actions. And yet here I am. For me, rejection at an early age, in hindsight stunted my proverbial self love growth. And yet for some odd reason, I still depended on, desired the love and validation to come from someone on the outside. Crazy I know.  Now don’t get me wrong, there were things I liked about myself, mostly the intangible items (good heart, being forgiving, being a good listener, etc.) If ever asked what I love about myself, especially physical aspects, the silence became deafening. Insert heartbreak, a different perspective, reactivating my no for others, introducing yes to myself and being tired of being tired.

People can tell you all the good things about you, but if you don’t believe it in your heart, then they are merely words. Someone could give me a compliment and the 1^st thing I would say is, yea, but and start listing EVERYTHING I didn’t like. That’s not a good place to be in. The journey to loving me began years with a vision board, prayer, going back to the basics and some time away. There is something pretty special when you see your goals and ideas on paper. There’s a reason we are instructed to write the vision and make it plan.  Friends and family gave suggestions and affirmations; I originally thought standing in the mirror looking at myself repeating affirmations wasn’t going to help or work. I’m glad I was wrong. Reminders of the obstacles I had gone through and survived gave me strength. I came to realize “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” isn’t just a line from the bible added as fluff. It is indeed the truth. The moment I decided to embrace my flaws, my quirks and everything that makes me, me, speaking on myself in the negative decreased. I began to believe in my heart all of the accolades I have been hearing and saying to myself. Belief is a powerful entity. Believing in yourself, in God, your abilities, your heart, your love, your process gives you strength to move forward. I didn’t believe I was beautiful. I didn’t believe I was lovable or worth loving.  I knew I had talent, but didn’t believe it mattered.

 You know what else comes with belief?  Positivity comes. Change comes. Confidence comes.  Matt Kemp said “when you think positive, good things will happen. What once had me frozen in one place, no longer has as much power over me. Impossible is now possible. I’ve taken a few more chances than before. If we allow ourselves to be doubtful and dead inside, there isn’t much hope that we will live our life in color outside. When your heart is no longer heavy and dark, your light can shine outwardly for all to see. You have to see it first. Feel and see your light and allow it to radiate.  Where there was doubt and fear, there is hope and faith. Where there was anxiety, there is peace. Where there was sadness, there is now happiness and laughter. Where there was rejection, there is acceptance. There will always be work that needs to be done, for now at this stage in life, I’m glad I can enjoy and recognize the journey versus stressing about the destination.

                                                                                                                   

So now when I am enjoying these nicely written love songs, I’m hopeful without regrets and not wishing that someone would feel that way about me. I enjoy the songs for what they are… Art. My heart is still full and open to give to others as before the difference is I’m not empty.  My door's always open to give some self love in addition to loving others. Guess what. I found the girl with the broken smile, stayed with her for a while and please believe now she is loved.

Sacorsha