Them: you’ll never amount to anything.
You: I’m going to school to get my degree.
Them: why are you wearing that? You look like you
should be on somebody’s corner.
You: I thought this looked nice; it goes with my skin
tone.
Them: Nobody is going to want to date you; definitely
not marry you.
You: That’s not true.
Them: I’m so sick of you always gone; always on your
computer; and you stay going to your mother’s house. You never have time for
me.
These are comments or variations of comments that many people hear daily. At first glance, we can assume that this scenario is between people in a love relationship. They are subtle statements that if consistently made over time can and will eat away at someone’s self-esteem, confidence, heart, faith in love and spirit.
We don’t like to see our friends and loved ones going
through this type of hurt; therefore we become advocates, we ask and plead for
them to stand up for themselves, get out of that situation. We become the
cheerleaders and encouragers letting them know that they are beautiful,
handsome, they are smart, kind, and we even stick around inviting them out or
simply to be there to listen and be the shoulder to cry on. These reminders are
specks of light shining on the darkness of our friend, loved one. We pray they
hear what we are saying and not the person they are in a relationship with. The
proof that good overcomes evil; that your words of love and appreciation have
fallen on good ground is when that person regains confidence and start showing
signs of happiness and peace as well as leaving the abusive relationship
altogether.
But what do you do when the verbal attacks and emotional
rollercoaster comes from a parent? What do you do when someone who helped bring
you into the world, fails to see you for the blessing that you are, whose
actions don’t always match their words? How do you handle them loving you to
their capability when you are worth and require so much more? Is there a way to
remain true to yourself, to keep your peace, to rebuild your foundation to fit
your reality, while honoring your parent? These have been questions I’ve asked
myself numerous times.
My answer: You
tell them how you feel. You hold on to your truth while loving yourself. You
see them as a person, while continuing to love them. You resolve in your heart
to accept the situation for what it is and govern yourself accordingly. It is
essential to your growth that you reconcile what your circumstance, your reality
is and what it means and how it looks. And lastly, you surround yourself with
people who see, know, recognize, understand and love you.
It took me some time to get to this point. I have
debated and wondered if I should even write my thoughts out. I mean it hurts.
It hurts to the point where I have many incomplete poems and songs from trying
to get my feelings out, but if something doesn’t leave you, it would behoove
you to try again. So here I am, filled with mixed emotions because I love my
dad, but don’t like the way things are. I love my dad, but I love myself more. The
loving myself more part is a process, but I’m getting better at it. If I was
being honest, I am still leery, slightly afraid, yet when you know better, you
do better and I’ve learned that keeping things inside isn’t healthy nor does it
help.
STAINS ON MY WINDOWPANE
Now my dad has been in and out for the majority of my
life basically because he moved to another state. I grew up watching my friends
have father, daughter interactions and no they weren’t perfect, yet their
presence was there. If they needed them, their fathers were there. I’ve never
had that relationship with my dad. Our conversations have literally been
surface and even today it’s the same. I get a “hey how you doing” to a list of
questions asking about everyone else. Yes he would say some things that
resembled a hint of positivity and proudness such as graduating from high
school or when I got my 1st car. Overall, the feelings I have
received from him have been I didn’t quite matter more than other people or
things. I can remember when he would send money to my brothers and I, they
would get more money than me. I asked for some British Knights (telling me age)
lol when they first came out. Let’s just say, I got them way after they were
old and out of style. Now some may say so what; but this can serve as the
foundation of me being introduced to and consistently absorbing the feeling of
being pushed aside, of not being important and accepting it. Things like this nurtured
my familiarity of listening to words, birthing high hopes which were not all
the time but often followed with more than a sensation of being let down. His
promises preceded my accepting this behavior from others such as friends, other
family members and eventually people I dated. Missed birthdays, few phone calls
and surface conversations, let down, being blamed for things, and fussed at for
things instead of being talked to and wondering why infiltrated into most areas
of my life. Yes, I had people in my life saying good, positive things.
Encouraging me to be myself and telling me what makes me beautiful and for the
most part I believed it. But there continued to be something missing. I can’t
recall my dad calling me beautiful. He may have shown some pride in who I was
by saying “that’s my daughter” in the context of specifying who I was. I hear
it also when I pull up to a relative house (there’s my daughter.. what is my
daughter doing?) My relationship with my dad is one of the reasons I don’t like
labels and titles. The labels exist, but if the actions and effort behind it doesn’t
carry the same weight then what’s the point? I can’t in good conscious ask you
to depend on me and yet prove that you can’t depend on me. Honestly, this
disconnect has given me pause for so long even though I couldn’t bring myself
to give up on the hope of it all. And I’ll admit there were times when I
recognized that I could have done more despite feeling like the adult in this
situation. So in classic Sacorsha form, I pushed my feelings to the side,
became the bigger person and called more even if it was just to say hello. I
called him a week, a day and the day of my birthday so he could tell me happy
birthday. At some point the weight of it all became too much. I mean I had
classmates and family members calling me ugly. I’ve had my thoughts and
opinions being overlooked. I endured being belittled, bullied and embarrassed
and more… I had my mom saying I could do whatever I put my mind to. I was
beautiful and should act like it, walk like it and own it.. One lone voice
pushing me forward versus thousands tearing me down and all I can
subconsciously consider was if my father, the one who was supposed to be there
for me, treat me like a princess, prepare me for the world and these
knuckleheads was the 1st to say what I heard often. So if he felt
and treated me that way, it had to be true right?
THE SUN SHINES THROUGH
Today I can say an affirmative NO! I am imperfectly
perfect. Born with many defects with only one being visible, well I should say it’s
hidden in plain sight. LOL. I guess you can say I expected him to be what he couldn’t
be. This isn’t to drag him because like I said, I believes he loves me on a
level that he has, his capacity. There are so many facets and experiences that
played and continue to play a role in my downfall, my growth and evolution. I
got drastically sick a few times and started writing my feelings; I would sing
and tears would fall. At some point I started to believe my mom, the friends
who poured into me. I know I’m a good person, I believe and say more these days
that I’m beautiful. I had to stop talking down about myself and let my light
shine for real. I deserve reciprocity. What I need and require is to be
uplifted. I am a work in progress and will always be. What I desire and yearn
for is peace, true happiness within myself, constructive criticism and a place
where I can thrive and not hide. I’ve been dealing with the double dutch of
emotions, wishing, hoping, and getting a glance of what could have been, having
the rug pulled from under me, the begging and pleading to be seen, to be loved,
to be accepted, for 37 years. There comes a time in your life where you
recognize people for who they are, parents included, humans living their life,
trying to get it right. Just like I would have loved the pats on the back, the
verbal validation, they also should receive it too. I love my dad. I appreciate my dad. I will always respect my dad, I am thankful for a father
who did what he could and continues to try. I’m thankful for the unspoken
lessons he has provided me with that I will carry with me always. I am thankful
for the willingness to forgive and be forgiven. I am thankful for the tears of
the past, present and future. I am thankful that I am successful, I am loved, I
am creative. I am thankful and can appreciate the times I have had my
heartbroken by those who broke it my father included (males, female, family,
friends, foe). It may not feel like it all the time, but I am better for it. I
have no idea where the road will take me, but I am confident that the sun will
continue to shine through the stains on my windowpane.
-Sacorsha
