The
eyes are a gateway to two destinations that many should not travel because they
aren't equipped to handle them properly.... the heart and soul #HandlewithCare
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will
never hurt me. Whoever made that up must have never been bullied and they lied
completely. The truth is they both leave scars. One just lasts longer than the
other. Their words, their actions paralyzed me and in your eyes that’s what I
see. How do I know? Cause the reflection is a daily constant in which I carry
visually and emotionally. How can you deny your flesh and blood based off a
physical deformity? Those words pierced my ears loudly and it took a long time
for me to turn the volume down. You could have considered the option that God
made me uniquely. Rejection from my peers I was able to go through because I
got my first lessons from you. Why must I fight for your attention even with my
brothers? Why was I never beautiful until others were around? Maybe that’s why
it was easy to believe the others. Their voices echoed as loud as yours. What
was done was a tragedy. Your exit, your distance, your favoritism, your
inability to father me..Properly. Wreckless abandon, yet even still I believed
your every “I’m coming to see you.” Later turned into my victory. That’s the
hope seen in my eyes. Regardless of what is actually happening, I believe and
guess what it helps and works. My faith and belief has helped me overcome and
be strong to see the same pain of other young girls and boys and let them see. Looking into my eyes there is a hint of sadness, a
glimmer of hope combined with the bright light that shines when I smile.
There’s a story for every scar visible or hidden. I’m no longer holding on to the
words used to defame or shame me, instead I’m trying to use it as fuel it’s the
flame within me.
One of anything recognizes another is what I’ve been told. So hurt people see hurt people; happy people recognize happy people. I see and feel others and because I have experienced many emotions somewhere down the line my desire has been to keep others smiling and bring them happiness. Sometimes I fail; sometimes I succeed and am aware other times there is success and I never know. The good thing that came from my father’s rejection is that I never lost hope of being accepted. I have a heart for people and a love for God that continues to guide me in the way to go, behave, and how to treat people. The not so balanced part is rejection still hurts especially when it comes from people I love and I battle with when to speak up and when to let it ride. You know the whole “pick your battles” saying. When I was younger I took everything that came to me. I grew and began speaking my mind, expressing myself and I lost friends, family members became distant temporarily, people moved away and others died. There is nothing like experiencing a loss and the feeling that comes along with it. Yes I know both positive and negative has to exist in order for things to flow/grow. Yes testimonies come from test; of course there is a silver lining beyond the clouds and all that jazz. If I may be honest, sometimes I have a hard time seeing the positive with losing people, friends, or even when the dynamics change. Since that pain was unbearable to me so I thought I stopped being expressive, because I hate losing people. It hurts when you give your all, invest time, money, material things, everything into a relationship (family, friends, platonic, & relational), and it goes away or fails for whatever reason. It hurts to reach milestones in life and you can’t share it with those you love because they are no longer around. But I have learned that sometimes things change and if a situation is not growing you or helping you then perhaps a closer look needs to be taken; therefore I have started back speaking up for myself or talking about what bothers me. Since then I have lost friends and/or the dynamics have changed all because I spoke my peace, I dared to love, I put up boundaries, or just plain ole grew up and matured. I don’t understand why things have to end most times and perhaps it stems from the past, but I’d much rather have an adult conversation and remain true to myself than hold in pain and the other people have no idea that there is a problem. We both have an opportunity to grow when conversations occur.
I am hopeful.
I am a hopeful everything really; romantic, sister, cousin, friend, employee,
musician, writer, and more. No matter of the ups and downs, the frustration and
hurt never trying is worse than trying. Lessons are learned through loss.
Strength is obtained through loss and trials. A stronger sense of self is
developed each time we open up. We are able to see what we couldn’t when we
were in the thick of things. My dad is improving. He tries and sometimes he
makes a misstep and I adapt. I have my moments, pray about it and try again.
The friend I loss, well I’m dealing with that. The one where things changed, I
miss it (the relationship), when we speak it’s strained and interesting to say
the least. I guess it’s the approval, simplicity, and easiness that I miss. But
God restores, He protects, He loves and He is helping me be and stay strong in
this growth process of mine. You know what else? Even when I feel at my lowest,
God still uses me to be a light to others. During this hard time, I was able
with God’s help to publish my first poetry book Moments from EX-stasy. When I
feel unfulfilled, rejected, like I’m not enough, HE sends the right people and
messages at the right time to let me know, I am okay and on the right path. I
have solid relationships that fill me, strengthen me, encourage me and try to
keep a smile on my face. I am thankful to not be surrounded by takers, but
those who are willing to give just as much as I give out and show their appreciation.
This serves as a buffer and allows me to handle those moments of rejection
better. I may fall by the wayside and
mess up, but I will continue to Live, Laugh, Love with all my heart.
Sacorsha
